Developing Positive Assertiveness

Information about Developing Positive Assertiveness

Published on August 12, 2012

Author: imprintcenter

Source: authorstream.com

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Developing Positive Assertiveness: Developing Positive Assertiveness Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] What is Assertiveness: What is Assertiveness Intro – Who am I? Who are you? Why are you here? (Or better phrased, “What brings you here?” * What makes this “better phrased”?) Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] What Assertiveness is NOT: What Assertiveness is NOT Aggressive Passive Passive-Aggressive *Remember: Fight-Flight-Right and we want to do what is Right! Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Aggressiveness involves….: Aggressiveness involves…. Fight Disrespecting others’ rights to retain your own rights. Winning at all costs. Communicating sarcastically. Attacking the person instead of focusing on the behavior or problem-solving. Violating boundaries. Attempting to control others. Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Passiveness involves….: Passiveness involves…. Flight Possibly respecting others’ rights while ignoring your own rights. Not communicating directly when the situation warrants it. Allowing others to “walk on” or control you. Allowing your boundaries to be violated. Indecisiveness. Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Passive-Aggressiveness involves…: Passive-Aggressiveness involves… Fight-Flight pattern. Either respecting ONLY your rights OR other’s rights. Not addressing the problem or behavior. Talking about people behind their back/Gossip Fluctuating between violating others’ boundaries or having your boundaries violated. Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] What is assertiveness?: What is assertiveness? Right Respecting others’ rights as well as your own rights. Communicating effectively, directly, and with confidence. Dealing with conflict effectively and calmly. Handling and receiving feedback effectively. Setting boundaries. Focus is on behavior and problem-solving instead of attacking/ignoring the person. Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] What is assertiveness? (Contd): What is assertiveness? (Contd) Personal Self-Assessment For each of the statements below, circle the number that most closely reflects your present outlook. Find out what your attitude is. Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Personal Self-Assessment : Personal Self-Assessment What did you get out of this activity? How does your attitudes influence those around you and your own productivity? What are some of your individual communication learning goals? Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Communication Styles: Communication Styles Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] When you are Assertive: When you are Assertive No Pressure! (I want to respect your boundaries) Although most situations warrant assertive behavior…. Most of us are not assertive. Even those who are trained are not assertive all the time. What’s your default? Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Techniques to be Assertive: Techniques to be Assertive When you…I feel…I would like I-statements Broken record Acknowledgement, validation, gratitude Be proactive. Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Techniques to be Assertive (Contd): Techniques to be Assertive (Contd) When you…I feel…I would like: When you (describe the person’s behavior) I feel (state your emotion) I would like (state alternative behavior) Cautions…. Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] I-statements: I-statements An example is, “I feel…” or “I would like…” Prevents using “You…” which may lead to attacking the other person. Restate: “You are so egotistical and full of yourself and your own ideas!” to “I would like you to consider this idea.” I-statements exercise: Restate the following as I-statements Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Broken Record: Broken Record The telemarketer calls during supper. “No.” Repeat after me: “No.” “Stick to your guns.” This can be effective with guilt trips and “games” people may play to violate boundaries Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Acknowledgement, Validation, Gratitude: Acknowledgement, Validation, Gratitude Receiving a compliment or feedback is an assertive act. Validate that someone has spoken, even if using minimal responses as demonstrated in active listening skills. As you focus on behaviors, facts, and the problem to be solved, make sure to validate the other person’s feelings: “I know it was a hard day…” Thank you (for feedback…positive or negative) – a life of gratitude Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Be Proactive: Be Proactive Take action. You can choose. Being reactive and defensive can result in blame: Blaming others (aggression) Blaming self (passivity) Take responsibility for your actions. Sometimes, this may mean admitting you were wrong. Forgiveness Surrendering the perceived right to take revenge on another. Choosing not to take revenge. It does not necessarily mean forgetting. Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Advanced Techniques : Advanced Techniques Boundaries and expectations De-triangulation Conflict Resolution: Focus on behavior, problem when in conflict. Consider issues around your own goals and anger/anxiety/depression. Coping TRUTH Addressing faulty cognitions Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Boundaries and Expectations:: Boundaries and Expectations: What is a boundary? Doesn’t have to be a wall. Fences and Automatic Garage Doors Dogs and Fences What do you expect? Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] De-triangulation:: De-triangulation: Effective for dealing with gossip, enmeshment, passive-aggressiveness. Gossip about Luke: “I heard that Luke is jealous of Han.” “Have you checked with Luke about this?” Complaining about Luke: “Luke’s whining is getting on my nerves! Why don’t you tell him to can it!” “I think you should talk to Luke about this.” Try to connect the two individuals who share the problem or issue. Don’t become the “man-in-the-middle.” Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Conflict Resolution: Conflict Resolution Focus on behavior/problem (Conflict may resume despite your best efforts): Do not personalize or attack. Describe behavior you can actually see instead of something that could have varying definitions to the other person or instead of emotionalizing it and attacking the person directly or indirectly. For example: “When you turn around when I am talking…” as opposed to “When you ignore me…” Instead of picturing two boxers facing one another, picture the two of you sitting on the same side of the table focused together on the problem on the table. Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Goals: Goals Desire (“I would like”) vs. Goal (“I need”) Remember: You don’t control the person. You can only influence. Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Anger/Anxiety/Depression: Anger/Anxiety/Depression Anger can occur when your inappropriate goals are blocked. Anxiety can occur when your inappropriate goals are uncertain. Depression can occur when your inappropriate goals are deemed unreachable. What is your goal? Is it appropriate? Do you control everything to make that goal happen? If not, then change your goal to a desire, especially if another person is involved. If you do not get your desire, you can feel disappointment instead of anger. Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Anger/Anxiety/Depression (Contd): Anger/Anxiety/Depression (Contd) Anger can be a mask for a another emotion such as disappointment, sadness, anxiety, fear, or hurt. People can influence us to become angry, but cannot “make” us angry since anger comes from our beliefs. Anger is not always a bad thing. “A moderate amount of anxiety accomplishes much.” Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Anger/Anxiety/Depression (Contd): Anger/Anxiety/Depression (Contd) A – B – C - D A = Activating Event – What happened? B = Belief – What are your beliefs behind the emotion? C = Emotional Consequence – What do you feel? D = Dispute – Dispute the irrational beliefs. What are the conflict, choices, and consequences? What can you change/not change? Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Coping: Coping A psychological crisis may exist if one of the following is missing: A support network A realistic perception of the event A history of healthy coping skills (techniques) What’s the application for assertiveness? Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] TRUTH model: TRUTH model Trigger event WRong thinking Unhealthy responses ruled out Truth about the situation Healthy response Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Faulty Cognitions: Faulty Cognitions Focused on the details Emotional Reasoning Magnification Overgeneralization Personalization Splitting Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Focused on the details: Focused on the details STUCK ON THE DETAILS (selective abstraction) Focusing on one detail and missing the big picture. Looking at one tree and missing the forest. SOLUTION: What is the big picture? What is true considering all things? Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Emotional Reasoning: Emotional Reasoning How I feel is what I think. SOLUTION: Call an emotion what it is and change the thoughts that lead to it. Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Magnification:: Magnification: Making things bigger than what they really are. “Making mountains out of molehills.” “Majoring in the minors.” SOLUTION: What is the true size??? Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Overgeneralization: Overgeneralization Believing that one thing that happens is true for all things. SOLUTION: What is true and realistic? Is this a way to try to avoid responsibility and not work for change? Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] It rained today. I guess it will rain EVERY day.  Personalization: Personalization Taking things personally. Thinking everything is meant about you. SOLUTION: Let what someone else says tell about them. What do you think? Is it true? Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Splitting: Splitting All or None thinking Only 2 choices – All or None A version of fight or flight SOLUTION: Think of more ideas besides the 2 choices Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] Applications for this material: Applications for this material Work Family, especially extended family Customer Service Conflict Others? Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: [email protected] DEVELOPING AN ASSERTIVENESS PLAN: Have you “USED” “SWOT”? USED: Use/Stop/Exploit/Defend SWOT: Strengths/Weaknesses/Opportunities/Threats

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